Monday, August 18, 2008

Speaking out about childhood molestation, not for the faint of heart

So, I am up way past my bed time. This is considering after having not a single thing to do for the last three weeks that I suddenly have two orientations tomorrow and have to wake up early. I really have nothing to say, but I am typing anyway because I like to share my random thoughts. Tonight I am thinking about the book I am reading. It is called, "The girls who went away. The hidden history of women who surrendered children for adoption in the decades before Roe vs Wade."
This story has hit home for me. I was not adopted, nor was anyone in my family, or anyone I really know for that matter. However, the pain, abandonment, future intimacy issues, low self esteem, and secrecy that surround this topic are all too familiar.
If you don't really want to know me, then stop reading now. Otherwise, I am about to share information that I am completely open about, that does not define who I am but does explain a lot of the choices and feelings I have had in my life. So, here it goes...
I was molested when I was 3 years old, by my step grandfather, and I remember every detail. I know, you must be thinking how can I remember something from that young? I don't know how to explain it, but I remember every detail of it. I remember the blue bedroom, the orange house with arches, the twin bed, the door slowly being opened, being told I had wet the bed and needed to be changed (which wasn't true), I remember the taste of ice cream that I made the next day with my grandmother and the smell of chlorine from swimming with my grandfather while he touched me. I had dreams about this for many years. I had no connection to my feelings and still have issues connecting with myself, let alone others. I now know that this is a survival technique. Separating oneself from their body and merly watching in order to survive.
It stopped when I was four and my grandparents moved to Iowa. But the damage was already done. I had gone from a loud, happy go lucky, crazy girl to a shy, quiet, girl that hid in the corner. I had no idea what had happened until I saw home videos that had been transfered from VHS to DVD and were randomly placed in a very telling order. I saw these videos and lost it. I knew something had happened. I had known since I was 19. But when I was 26, seeing those home videos put it all together. I saw first hand how I had changed from a wild crazy 3 year old, to a scared 4 year old. Seeing that evidence in front of my face made it hard to ignore.
Finally, when I was 26, seven years after I knew for sure and 23 years after the molestation had actually occured, I told my parents. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was teaching first grade at the time and was known among the teachers as someone that did a lot of CPS reports. I knew the signs and I didn't ignore them. I helped save at least six children from a life of continued abuse. This was very hard on me. I had panic attacks on a regular basis, I sabatoged any relationship I attempted to be in for fear that they would hurt me or even worse leave me. Then came the time that my two beautiful, wonderful nieces were turning three. The age at which it happened to me. At this point I could no longer keep my secret. I was no longer worried about what my family thought, what the police would say, all I knew was that I had to protect those two innocent girls from going through what I went through. And I did. I can't explain to you the feelings that go along with finally telling the truth, not having your life be a secret, and amazingly being supported by every single person in my life and family. Every single one of them said, hmm... we always knew something wasn't right, we just couldn't put our finger on it. Hmmm... no wonder we all thought he was creepy but just had no idea why.
I was the only girl born in my family for three generations. Everyone knew that I wasn't okay but wasn't sure why. Everyone thought my grandfather was a bad man but had no solid reason. The night I told my secret everyone in my family was there. They all went with me to the police station to report it. They all stood behind me when I wanted to go alone to the police station to call and confront him while an investigator recorded the converstation. I had been alone in my secret for so long and was so strong for myself that I didn't want any help. My family understood that about me. My dad has an identical twin brother. He was there for me. There was no question that I was telling the truth, just questions of details. He has since stopped all communication with that part of the family. My dads younger brother, sadly was put in the middle of it. My grandmother would call him to tell him to tell my dad to tell me whatever. And I felt so bad. I didn't mean to put a rif in the family for him. So one day I called him and said how sorry I was that my situation had put him in a tough place. And I was amazed at how he responded. He said, "You know what? Don't think of it for a second. I know you are telling the truth, I know he is bad man and she is a weak woman for staying with him and they have only proved this by their reaction to this whole situation. I don't regret believing you for one second because honestly I don't care to be invovled with people who would do that to you." I mean, the support was over whelming. I knew I had a special family but I had no idea to the extent that they would go to support me.
A year later, I found a lump in my breast. At 27, this usually isn't too big of an issue. Luckily my mom works in the industry and I had an extremely fast set of 3 ultra sounds, a mamogram, and scheduled biopsy. With all this going on, it was important for me to know my family history. My moms side was easy to know. My dads side on the other hand was more difficult. My dad and my stepmom offered to call and get the medical history from the side of the family that had threatened to kill me the previous year due to my accusations. But it was something I had to do on my own. I had to be strong for myself and find out. Sadly, my grandmother would not take a call from me. However, I understood. I left her a message telling her I needed family medical history. I had a lump in my breast and needed to know if I had a family history on that side, especially since I tend to take after my dads side of the family. And as a side note, the grandfather that molested me was not my dads real dad, he is great. It was my dads step dad. However, a day after I left a message pleading for medical information my grandmother did contact my uncle to contact my dad to tell me that we had no family history that she was aware of. Although, I am so sad that she couldn't put her feelings about my accusations aside, due to the fact that I know she was aware of what was going on in her house, that she at least made the effort to get me the information I needed. Luckily my tests were not conclusive of any major issues. However, I do have to return to retest in a year to make sure.
In all of this, I learned that people don't always choose their loyalties correctly, that people can surprise you when they actually show up in your time of need when you thought they didn't care, and the unending bond between a father and a daughter, a sister and brother, and mother and father. It is also amazing how when you begin to tell your story, how others come forward to tell you their experience. It is so upsetting to find out how many of my friends went through the same thing and still are unable to come out to their family out of fear of rejection yet take my revelation as an open invitation to share their own history knowing full well I will help and support them in any way they need.
I knew for 7 years before I told. People often ask me why I waited so long to speak up. Honestly, I have a great dad, brother, uncles, and cousins who would kill for me without an explaination. But I knew at that time, I needed these men to protect me and be there for me on a daily basis. I wasn't ready for justice if that meant any of them would go to jail for protecting me. Now, years later, they have all grown up a bit. They would all kill for me if I said the word. But they also understand that I need them with me more than I need them to avenge my perpatrator. They also know that if anyone is going to get to take their hurt and anger out on my grandfather, it is going to be me, hands down, with them standing behind me regardless, that I am the only one that could fully express my hurt and anger appropriately.
I have been through counseling. Which helped me a lot. I don't try to control things. I don't have a sick stomach on a daily basis anymore, and I finally was able to attend my first family holiday without worrying that he would show up.
I have freed myself a great deal with the admission of this information. I have helped countless children with my drive to protect them since I was too young to protect myself. My cousin has thanked me more than once for saving his daughter from ever being around that man, as he would have easily agreed to let my grandmother spend time with his daughter. But due to my openness, she won't get to spend a single day with her and she will hopefully be protected from the horrible things I went through for only a year, at a very young age, that happened to shape the rest of my life. He doesn't deserve that power. I am taking that power back, slowly. I still feel so damaged and scared that I don't know how to connect with another human, male or female. I am trying so hard. I deserve to live past this. I've tried to forgive him and sometimes I think that I have, but in all honesty, I don't think he deserves it. I think he deserves to be raped and molested as he did to me. I think he deserves to spend the rest of his life in fear that I will come at him with more. But, I really don't want to focus on the bad things that happen. I want to be thankful for the drive to succeed I have learned to live with. I am thankful for the unconditional support I have received from my family and friends.
I hope someone will read this who hasn't yet found their voice. It will only work when you are ready to share your own experience. If you are reading this as a molested adult child, feel free to contact me, if you are just a random person, please don't feel sorry for me. Be happy that I have come out the strong person I am who is willing to put herself on the line to help others that don't know how to ask. Be glad that I had unconditional support during the entire situation.
I am currently trying to figure out where to go from here. I don't want anything from him or his family, which is why I have not given identities. This is about me and my survival, not him and his crime. He doesn't deserve a spot light like that.
Thank you so much for reading this long long rant. I feel better just posting this and hoping it finds its way onto the computer of someone who needs to talk, advice on speaking out, or has the need for me to speak out on behalf of them. This is not the last you will hear about this. I am currently writing my life story and how my molestation guided a large part of my life and how my healing has been amazing.
I thank you once again. You were wonderful to continue to read this, even as it got super long. I hope I didn't upset anyone, I mean no harm. Only peace, sharing, and hope comes from this experience. After all, this experience is what brought me to Jesus as my savior and continues to show me that I am not in this alone. I have Jesus on my side which is more than enough. This happened to me for a reason. I am not bitter. I am happy to be a strong enough person to be open enough to put myself out there in hopes that someone who isn't sure they are strong enough to contact me for advice. I am not a therapist, I am a first grade teacher, I am a mama bear, I love and care for others unconditionally, I accept many faults in others knowing they have shaped who they are today, I am understanding, I listen, I won't try to get you to believe what I believe, however, I will try, listen, and help anyone who needs it. I know saying that my molestation was a blessing may sound out of place. But if my experience can help others, or save others from experiencing what I have, I feel more than blessed to know how to stand up for myself, for your children, and for you.
Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

What I am looking for...

This is what I am looking for in a potential life partner.

I want someone that will respect and protect me from any kind of harm.
I want someone that thinks I am the standard of beauty.
I want someone who wants to be friends first. Because in all honesty, who wants to be with someone they wouldn't hang out with as friends.
I want someone that wants to be better in himself, so I can be better in myself, for each other.
I want a true partner. Someone you can rely on day in and day out and not worry what they might be doing if they don't answer there phone right away. Someone that understands that relationships are not 50/50. Sometimes they are 100/0 or 0/100 and are will to go that far if need be.
I want someone that isn't allergic to my cats. Someone that can actually like my cats. I have had them for 12 years, longer than any guy has been around. And I know that I can not truly care for someone that is indifferent to or doesn't like my cats.
I want someone that isn't afraid to tell people we are together. That even if I am not around, everyone knows that he is with me and that I am with him. Someone that will hold my hand in public, give me little kisses, and tells his family about me.
I want someone that is there unconditionally. Pretty and all made up, or sick on the couch making me peppermint tea. Knowing full well that I will do the same for him.
I want someone that does not smoke, anything, do drugs, or drink to an excess. Drinking is fine, but there is a point when it becomes antisocial.
I want someone that likes to go out to dance, with me. That clubbing isn't a weekend mandatory and if it is an option, there is no question that he would be taking me with.
I want someone that, even if he is not a Christian, to either be respectful and or curious to at least understand what I believe. I'm not trying to change anyone but would like to be understood on more than one level. In which case, I am open to learn that part of him.
I want someone that won't try to have sex with me on the first date. The answer will be no. This goes back to my first desire, to be protected and respected.
I want someone that I can talk to everyday, not because it is a requirement but because we really just want to check in and see how the other one is doing.
Above all else, I want someone that is ready to love me and only me. Someone that understands that yes, his mother and sister are important but if we are to create our own family someday, I need to be their one and only true love in that sense.
Does this sound unattainable? I don't think it is too much to ask. I think I am asking for a decent human partner that can't live without me and that I can't live without. Who are desperately attracted to eachother and want to be partners in life. Us against the world. Is that so hard?